So it’s been a while -
I’ve thought long and hard about to write, and i’ve written many little journals over the course of the last 9 months containing every topic from utter and total despair, to grace as seen through my eyes.
Drowning, thats what the last two years have felt like, getting my head above water just to see the next wave in the distance and bracing for another challenge, never sure if Id come back up and take another breathe, and then theres a bad side….
I’ve never felt so alone, so lonely and so deserted and lost as I did on my drive back to Lethbridge Alberta Canada from the Dirty South. I’m pretty sure it was a 50/50 coin toss whether i’d make it back home breathing. Sometimes I wish i didn’t.
But here’s the cool thing, i’m still breathing…
I’ve decided to do what i do best, i’m gonna plow…
In November on a starless night, when i was at a low and ready to go do something regrettable, I heard a song from an artist that I’d never heard of before, that i would never normally pay attention to. She fit all the categories of artist that I avoid like the plague, Singer-Songwriter/Asian/CCM… But that evening I heard a song called I Am Not.. A song about not being in control, about not having the answers. I pulled over and started to bang my head on my VW in tears, how could i be so stupid. I contacted this artist to tell her how much her song meant to me.
And somehow a few months later I found myself back in Toronto, a city that I had abandoned half a decade ago. A city so foreign to me, but hauntingly familiar. As we landed at Pearson international i found myself praying that the plane would turn it self around, I wasn’t ready, I wasn’t equipped. For the first time in my adult life i DIDNT want to go into the studio. As anxiety began to overtake my body I prayed, and asked for my squinty eyes to be open just tiniest bit so I could see the grace that had been given to me, to give me courage rooted in truth and not reckless ambition. So it was in Toronto that I cut six songs with said artist, and the grace and blessings that have flowed from this project have been undeniable.
All this to say, I think i’ve learned from one of my many mistakes.
I put the infinite one in a box, i defined for the Almighty what my blessings and what my gifts NEEDED to look like, I would ONLY accept and accept a GIFT from him if it said GMA or Juno on it. I had neglected all the things he was doing to my soul and just became frustrated. All those years I spent fighting those tidal waves finally took their toll and I decided to submit, not out of humility but out of desperation. Trying to pick up the pieces after every fight with my folks, every relationship failure, every job bump drove me to be a depressed manic lying manipulative ass-face.
So here we are no more boxes, partially cause i’m too scared to fall flat on my face again, but also because secretly i am scared that God’s purse of blessings isn’t bottomless and I know that I don’t want to abuse the grace i’ve been afforded. I’ve been washed over with grace in a way I would have never guessed. One of them being music…
I can genuinely say I love my craft and art again. I am 16 once again sitting in my basement with pirated SONAR / karaoke mic (i stole from my parents) / pirated version of Sonar trying to figure out how the heck I can make music. I listen to music outside of my job and have stopped analyzing the pocket and the 1s and 2s and just head bang like an insane person. Ive been writing music once again that I’m insanely proud of, not because itll ever be on the radio but because music got me through my teens… and thats something beautiful.
So i’ll leave with this, to those that have called and checked in on me weekly, monthly … thank you, your love has made all the difference between.